I have come to a place, as everyone does, where it is time to close one chapter in order to be free to start others.
I have been considering this step for a very long time… and actually the decision is somewhat excruciating. I have felt immobilized by my investment in this site, my concern for other women to find answers, and the opposing desire to be free to move on with my life. It has come time to choose my own health, and also to realize the world doesn’t *actually* need me to keep this blog.
One year ago, we decided to rest. We had been trying to conceive for five months, finally under the care and treatment of Dr. Braverman, a doctor who found immunological factors going against my pregnancies. The irony was, it never took me more than three months to get pregnant; every single one of my previous seven pregnancies took less than three months to conceive. After all the years of losses and all the months of looking for answers, five months of regimented therapies and subsequent failure to conceive had me completely at the end of my stamina. I was exhausted – emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. It just wasn’t good for me or my family.
So we took a break. And the longer the break went on, the less appealing this whole “thing” looked. It laid there on the ground like a heavy, dirty log, and I studied it for a while, and I realized (SLOWLY) that I didn’t want to carry that thing on this journey anymore. It was painful. I loved that log, despite how heavy and dirty it had become. It even felt like a part of me. Like leaving it there on the ground meant I had somehow failed. It’s all I’ve wanted for so long – to grow our family and to defeat this terrible enemy named “Miscarriage” and finally gain the upper hand. I was determined to WIN. But I can’t. It’s just not worth it. The score will just have to be 5-2, miscarriage-to-Sara, until I get to heaven. (Don’t even get me started on those stupid “the universe will give me what I want if I just believe it” ideas! Gag.)
It’s been a hard year.
More recently, I’ve described this part of my life like a tooth hanging by a thread. I guess a tooth is better than a log. There are many reasons I now see that tell me it’s okay to “give up.” I’ve been talking to my therapist again and it’s been really helpful. (By the way ladies, don’t be afraid to go to therapy. It’s really quite wonderful and having a professional to talk to is a great outlet.) These are some of the positive outcomes of all my miscarriage trials:
1) It has made me more compassionate.
2) It has made me wiser.
3) It has made me more humble. (I didn’t realize how proud I was in so many areas of my life!)
4) It has made me see how much I have to offer because of my life experiences.
5) It has helped me be more aware of my mental health and has led me into nutrition knowledge and natural health.
6) It has helped me be more grateful for what I have.
7) It has challenged my faith and yes I’ve been angry at God for leading me into this (forgive me) damned wilderness over and over, but by golly, if Christ didn’t die for sinners like me then my faith is in vain. I could write for a very long time on GRACE. I am more aware of grace. And I think I can help others be more aware of grace. I can love Christ more because I’ve seen the depths of my rebellion against Him and I know that I’ve got no right to stand before Him on my own merit. Ever.
And so, I’m ready. This decision has been so stressful to me, but even if I take my hand out of the pool of miscarriage and infertility blogs, there will be a hundred other molecules rushing in to fill the space. It is arrogant for me to think I need to do this. The world will go on whether I blog about miscarriage or not.
The domain for this blog will be expiring in just a few days. I will move the content to a free wordpress site, which you can find at www.survivingrecurrentmiscarriage.wordpress.com (it’s not completely up to par yet, but at least you’ll know where to go, if you ever want to.)
I’m still happy to hear from others. You can email me at jmans_wife (at) yahoo (dot) com. Write that down, too, if you want it. This post will be self-destructing in T minus four days.
And lastly, THANK YOU for caring, for all of your support, for comments and encouragements and prayers. I hope that the information here has been helpful to others on their fertility journeys. I am not sure what is next, other than focusing on raising my kids and being the best person and wife I can be, and building my business, but I am happy. And that is really all I could ask for. I am finally coming to a place of peace.
So, I sign off. Your friendly neighborhood “Repro-Renegade” has fulfilled her time here and I wish you well in all your life journeys. Make them worth it. Make sure they count for something that will last. God bless you.
“Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures throughout all generations. … The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.” ~Psalm 145:13-14